“We are all in recovery from something.” Marianne Williamson.
My unshakeable belief in the Divine Feminine working in my life has been the only thing that kept me from a complete emotional breakdown at times. My words here fall short of the anguish, despair and emotional trauma that was my path for most of my life, until recently. Rumi said, ‘The wound is the place where the light enters you.’ For many years I chose darkness, because my ego was in charge, dark patriarchal forces dominated me, and although I could hear the call of my heart, and the Divine Feminine, I wasn’t ready to listen. She had to destroy everything that I had come to know as my life, for me to choose healing, to open my heart and climb out of the karmic trenches.
The Divine had plans for me. I was here to heal myself, and help others, by understanding the breadth of pain in core feminine wounds.
LISTEN, LEARN & GROW
As a trauma therapist, I’ve listened to many stories, over many years, from women. Some of these stories could be the makings of a bestselling book, you simply couldn’t make it up. These stories of trauma, abuse, injustice, rape and cruelty were hard to listen to, but at the same time, I was riveted, simply because I bared witness to the unshakeable, unwavering, immense feminine power that we possess regardless of what patriarchal adversity we’ve endured. I love stories, as much as I enjoy watching films and tv dramas about real life events. I get triggered, but I’ll watch them anyway, because I want to find out how that unique individual triumphed, how they overcame the cards dealt to them by life.
MY STORY. FROM DARKNESS TO LIGHT
I would like to share a significant part of my story, in doing so I feel compelled to shed light on Rumi’s quote, because I remember that when I was in the thick of my many ‘dark night of the soul’ episodes, finding any light was near impossible. I hope you, in reading this, are inspired to healing anything from the past that inhibits your capacity to love yourself. The truth is, love is all that you are, and it is your time to claim love and open your heart. You are reading this for a reason. It took many years of digging deep before I had the inner-awareness and perspective that I do now. In writing this I want to be transparent, and to convey that although I have done in-depth healing on myself for 30 years, I am still a work in progress. I still get triggered. I still feel fearful of certain types of men, I still have to remind my Inner Child that I won’t let anyone hurt her again, I’m in charge, with boundaries that keep me safe. The significant difference now, is that my past doesn’t define my ability to extend love, kindness and compassion to myself. I’m not drowning in low vibration emotions of shame, anger and bitterness and toxic negative self-beliefs that are telling me how unworthy, stupid and unlovable I am. Been there, done that. Time for a new heart-centred paradigm, that is aligned with the truth of the Divine Feminine. What I mean by that is through patriarchal control and dominance we have been brain-washed into believing in an ideal of femininity created from toxic masculinity. It evolved over hundreds of years. As we heal our wounds, we heal a collective paradigm of oppression and disempowerment. The Goddess has been waiting. We are gathering momentum, evolving into heart-centred consciousness, and I am participating unreservedly in that movement, because it is the only one that has the power of the Universe and the Divine behind it. I’m conscious and awake. The victim archetype’s reign is over.
THE DEEPEST OF CORE WOUNDS
My core wounding started with sexual abuse, age 2, from a stranger. From the age of 5, I experienced physical violence and emotional abuse from my father that lasted until I was 12 years old. Then, when I was 13, I was raped. This set the stage for more abuse and a life filled with dysfunctionality stemming from complex emotional trauma, low self-esteem, fear and self-loathing. This childhood predisposition of victimization created a dense energetic pain-body that attracted adversity in many forms, that compounded my shame, abandonment, sadness and hurt. Deep wounds that were devoid of any light, and it would take years before it seeped in. I was completely dissociated from my authentic self, with undiagnosed PTSD, anxiety and depression. I existed in denial, distractions, rigid mind-sets and defence mechanisms that kept the stark and brutal reality of my experiences safely from my awareness, for a while. Which was a good thing, otherwise the enormity of my emotional trauma would’ve swamped my personality, and life would have played out differently, maybe with more serious life-threatening addictions. Instead, I coped with alcohol, prescription drugs, dysfunctional relationships, obsessions, blame, bitterness, anger and drama, all covered with a veneer of niceness.
Anything unlike love, will always come up for the purpose of healing.
SOUL WHISPERS
Throughout my healing process which spanned 30 years, there was always a voice deep within that held me in check. Somehow within the midst of darkness, I knew that there was meaning to my suffering, that one day it would make sense.
The path was harder, because the calling was higher
TWISTS AND TURNS
One major relationship was instrumental in my growth, which lasted on and off for 30 years. It put me through the ringer and nearly destroyed me emotionally, but he was my biggest teacher, when it came finding my authenticity and power. We met when I was 28 years old and were together for 8 years, first time round. Khalid was a very wealthy man, from a prestigious family in the Middle East, and quite used to getting his own way. Back then I was studying for my Art Degree, and barely surviving in London. He took quite a shine to me, and after a month declared his love. I travelled the world with him and lived, what some might call, an enviable life. But it came with conditions, and one of those conditions was putting his needs and desires above my own, that meant being always available. Back then, it wasn’t a problem because being so dissociated from my authenticity, I was oblivious to my needs. To be honest, I enjoyed all the perks and not having to earn a living whilst studying, as Khalid gave me a monthly allowance. In the beginning it was relatively easy for me to be compliant, sweet and nice, it was something that I learned as a child around a violent, angry father who always said, “do as your told, or else!” Any back chat, or rebellion was met with a good beating, humiliation and intense anger. But as time passed with Khalid, I would find myself getting more irritated, and angry, especially when he tried to control me, made comments about my friends, and demanded that I conform. We had terrible fights, as my repressed childhood anger surfaced, I could do nothing to keep it from erupting, more so when I had been drinking. Once triggered, the compliant, sweet and kind girlfriend he loved, was replaced with an absolute firecracker, who unleased years of pent-up rage on him. This dormant part even surprised me. But if I’m honest, I liked her, she had grit and passion. She didn’t care about 5-star hotels and endless shoes; she wanted freedom and excitement. She wanted to stop being told what to do. She was rebelling against oppression.
TIME FOR CHANGE. TIME FOR FREEDOM
If I had been financially savvy back then, and invested my money, then life would’ve been a bit easier later. But I was impulsive, ungrounded and just assumed everything would work out in my favour. How wrong I was. Eventually, after 8 years Khalid and I broke up. I left him after discovering his gambling addiction was out of control. To cover his tracks, the lies to me became as natural and easy as breathing. I knew my future wasn’t with someone who offered a safety net from the real world, I I had to make my own living.
THERAPY
Before we broke up, I went into therapy, I knew deep inside that I had buried childhood issues that were causing a host of physical problems and constant migraines and headaches. I was getting flashbacks, overeating, drinking, and felt angry and irritated most of the time. My therapist had her work cut out, that’s for sure. I moved out of London to Portsmouth, to get away from Khalid. After 2 years I decided to relocate to the States and pursue my career as an artist. To do this I sold my apartment to fund the move (not my best decision), and with the help of my American friend Mary, set up my business in Phoenix, Arizona. For a while it was great, I had a studio in downtown Phoenix, and lived with Mary and her husband, bought a Jeep and spent my days painting, hoping to break into the art world. It was hard, and a few opportunities that came my way didn’t work out. I was left disappointed, and now with the full realization that my 4-year entrepreneur visa would expire, and I would have to return to the UK. I had no money and no home to go to.
FAILURE & DEPRESSION
I returned in November 2007; it was cold, all I’d known was sun and blue sky for 4 years. I was frozen in grief, for all that I had not accomplished in the States, my dreams of success had come to nothing. I felt like a failure, and constantly berated myself for the choices I had made. Why did I sell my flat? Why did I go all the way to the States to pursue my career? Why the hell am I so stupid? On and on it went, for years, I couldn’t forgive myself. Having nowhere to live and no money, I had no choice but to sleep on my mum’s sofa, this became my existence for 5 long years. My childhood 3-bedroom home was full, with my mum, sister and niece, there just wasn’t room for me. I lived out of my suitcase and managed to squeeze and condense myself into a home that I had outgrown many years ago. I hit rock bottom and fell into a deep depression, and I prayed to die.
The wound is the place where the light enters you. There was no light, for years.
ALL GONE
Years later, as I reflect on that time, I realize that I was going through a spiritual initiation. Everything of who I used to be was being stripped away, ‘To be reborn the old must die.’ I was thrown into a pit of hell for years, put through my paces, before I was healed enough, evolved enough, and empowered enough to stand in my sovereignty. All gone; my money, youth, home, career, self-respect, hope, health, and hormones. I was 40 years old and going through menopause. I would lay awake at night in hot sweats wondering how I ended up here, on my mum’s uncomfortable sofa, with nothing. To make matters worse, Khalid knew I was back, and we briefly reconciled our relationship. I naively thought he could help me somehow, but he had sustained immense losses due to his gambling addiction and had noticeably aged from the stress, sense of failure and shame. I came to realize that the answer to my problems was not in the hands of a man, and being rescued, I had to figure this one out on my own. He was still hurt because I left, and compounded my sense of failure, by seeking to punish and humiliate me further. We had horrendous fights and said awful things to each other. Eventually I became ill, developing severe gut issues, and became allergic to a vast selection of foods, mainly gluten, dairy, and processed food, that would illicit severe headaches, shivering and vomiting bile, which lasted 2 days at a time, I was so ill it was impossible get out of bed, eat or drink, my family were worried and didn’t know how to help me. My anxiety was all-consuming, and I dreaded the next attack. These issues lasted 20 years, together with relentless migraines and later, cancer.
I sought many alternative therapies to heal my emotions and my body, ‘talking it through’ wasn’t enough anymore, I needed to delve deeper into my psyche. I worked hard on myself with processes that engaged my subconscious, pain-body, Inner Child and Superconscious. Core wounds, and emotional trauma’s need time, safety, reverence and respect. As I delved deeper into my healing, I was discovering new ways to help my clients.
A SPARK OF LIGHT
Gradually things started to turn around. I changed my career and studied Hypnotherapy, following my passion. I got a job as a live-in carer and moved into North London, renting a room with an actress. Alongside my care job, I could build my business. I made a dear new friend called Zoe, who became pivotal in my career as a therapist.
At last, with the care job, I had some personal space (a wardrobe and bed), and I was earning money.
PROFOUND REALIZATION
Years later, I came to realise that who I used to be, and what I had materially, needed to be stripped away for something better and aligned with my heart, to take its place. Being thrown into that pit of hell, had a diamond within it, and it was my sole job to find it. This was not going to be an enlightened moment of awakening (if only), but a slow, excavation that comprised of healing sessions, workshops, reading, self-awareness, mindful choices, saying ‘no’ when needed, eating sensibly, cutting out alcohol, and placing my well-being at the forefront of my life. I wanted to have control over my life and eventually stand in my sovereignty, but there was a long way to go and that was okay. There wasn’t anyone that could do this process for me. It felt like a daunting task, but I knew in my heart, it was part of my soul’s path. As I progressed slowly, I began to trust myself enough to know that I would make considered, wise choices for my future, never returning to the ego ‘head’ choices that caused my downfall. I learned to listen to my heart. I learned to love myself.
SOULS PLAN
The Divine Feminine had a plan. The Goddess Kali created the conditions for me to seek my authentic self, through the landscape of my core wounds, emotional traumas and relationships. She left me no choice but to seek the light, and in doing so discover my strength, resilience, courage, and determination. Only in that process, could I know what I’m truly capable of.
DIAMONDS
This is my diamond. This is where the light entered me, and directed my awareness on my wounds, so they could be healed, making the unconscious, conscious. Now I’m shining that awareness into the world in the hope that it will guide others.
There came defining moments, obvious signs of healing and progress, when I could feel that old toxic energy leave me. In 2021 I met my partner, Joe. It took a while for my heart to open and fully trust a man, but all my defence mechanisms gradually fell away, and I fell deeply in love. At 60 years old, for the first time in my life, I found a kind, caring, trustworthy man, that showed up, just for me. He didn’t need rescuing or fixing, he didn’t try to diminish me, all he wanted to do was encourage and support me further on my path. He was, and still is, my gift from the Universe.
I knew I was being reborn.
This is a part of my story, and why I am so committed to helping others find their light. I understand wounds. I understand what it is to be a woman born into a dense reality so harsh, oppressive and cruel that life can feel like an endurance test of struggle, pain, desperation and never-ending sadness.
THE HEART AWAKENING REVOLUTION THERAPY (HART)
I spent years creating HART, as a trauma-release resource to help women heal from deep wounds. It is safe, effective and non-traumatising, designed to clear the negative energetic structure of the past. This is facilitated with the power of the Superconscious mind. Once toxic energy has been cleared, the heart can open, the pain-body can heal and the Inner Child can come out of hiding, into the light of love.
HART is a powerful healing modality, that will help you evolve into Heart-Centred consciousness.
Please get in touch to book a 20-minute free consultation call.
With Love
Sandy