A Divine Contract from the Universe
Evolving and healing, I believe comes with a Divine contract. There’s a hidden clause in the small print that says, ‘As you progress on your healing journey, with the commitment to release emotional trauma, life will present you with some challenging relationships that will stretch you beyond your limits, but still expect you to stay true to yourself.’
‘Good luck!’ The Universe
The Elephant in the Room
The time comes when we must make really hard decisions, that we probably avoided for years. Invariably they involve family, partners, best friends and close relationships. The moment arrives, a point of no return. The momentum of unrest compounds over years, the red flags, the glossing over the fact that there is a massive elephant in the room, with everyone pretending not to notice. Tensions build, resentment deepens, backstabbing, gaslighting, betrayal, misunderstanding, energetic attachments, and lies, all add to the toxic mix. The energy takes on a life of its own.
Guilt and Shame
In my family I had a defined role. I was the helper, the peacemaker. As a therapist it was a role that I was happy to fulfil, especially with my sister. I had a deep-seated need for her to be happy, because I felt guilty. We both had more than our fair share of physical and emotional abuse in our childhood, but for some reason my dad was harder on her and it made me feel responsible and guilty. He could be very cruel at times, and it still saddens me when I remember the beatings I witnessed firsthand. My self-blame became my shame, and therefore I tried throughout my life to try and make it up to her, to somehow magically fill the void he created, and heal her wounds. Our relationship became quite co-dependent, if she was happy, I would feel relief.
Obviously, I now fully understand that healing my sister’s or anyone else’s wounds is not my responsibility. It took me a long time to fully embrace that fact, energetically disconnect and stop being an enabler. Ultimately, in my sister’s world, I’m not that powerful, I don’t possess magical healing abilities, even though there were many times I wish I had. I really disliked feeling like I did.
I’m No Angel
I believed that my caring would make a difference, and yet it never did. I couldn’t change her eating habits, I couldn’t motivate her to lose weight, I couldn’t love her enough to compensate for my dad’s neglect and abuse, I was powerless and that made me feel helpless. I realize now that my desperate need to rescue her, was not entirely down to my desire to help, but relieve myself of unprocessed guilt, sadness and shame. I’m no angel. These emotions had been simmering away beneath the surface for years. I delved deep in therapy to heal them, she didn’t. I attained a level of self-awareness in my desire for relief and emancipation, I didn’t want to stay stuck in a toxic past riddled with emotional abuse and neglect. Making those powerful choices, comes with what I believe is a clause in the Universes contract, ‘Once you choose healing and the path of truth, anything unlike your authentic self will come up for the purpose of healing.” I only hope that the catalysts for life’s lessons are dispersed at a pace that I can deal with now.
Wake Up
One morning, as I ranted to my friend Zoe about my sister’s addictive eating, having discovered a half-eaten packet of biscuits in the cupboard, I was about to have a significant breakthrough. Zoe listened for a while and then let me have it, one professional to another. “Sandy, you are powerless to change a someone’s addiction, especially family, you know this. Nothing will change until she’s ready and that day may never come, and you need to accept that. It’s her life, her journey, let go for your own wellbeing and sanity.” It was a lovely summers day, and we were walking along my favourite road lined with beautiful trees, and I remember just how helpless, angry, frustrated and distraught I felt, as I listened to my very knowledgeable and wise friend (a professional trauma therapist too). I knew with every ounce of my being, she was right, because the energy and truth in those words pierced through my resistance and I totally surrendered. I could feel the internal switch, as relief rippled through me.
Surrender to Truth
I woke up, I released myself from my penance and self-punishment.
I acknowledged my deepest fear, that she might die from an obesity related illness and my grief may overwhelm me.
A ‘Diamond’ in the Struggle
We can love someone deeply, but we can also practice non-attachment, allowing them to be and to do what they choose. With my sister I continuously kept pushing, pleading, coercing, manipulating, being passive aggressive, crying and using emotional blackmail to motivate her to change. It never worked, ever! I took me years of anguish to finally arrive at this revelation and awaken to the truth. If she wanted to transform her health, then it had to be her internal choice. I love her, but I don’t want to struggle anymore with judgement, anger, disappointment and frustration.
I’m done.
The Hidden Truth
We would benefit from asking ourselves the deeper questions, the ones that drive our need to control another person, and get them to do what we want, so we get to feel better. What is my deepest fear? What do I need to uncover and heal within me, that drives my need for them to change? Delving deep means allowing some suppressed emotions, beliefs and fears to surface. We are hard wired to avoid pain and discomfort. We’d rather dance around, or tiptoe around the issues and triggers in a relationship for years, rather than look at the truth and what we need to learn and heal. Our relationships are our biggest teachers, and in many cases act as catalysts, bringing shame, fear, powerlessness, hopelessness and resentment to the surface, so we can acknowledge it all. Otherwise, it would remain hidden from our conscious awareness, we would remain in a state of negative emotional turmoil, wasting our life caught up in a dynamic that is not only energetically draining, but takes up weeks, months and maybe years of head space. For what? To arrive at the conclusion again and again, that we have no authority in another adult’s life.
Emotions and Beliefs
There could be core beliefs from childhood that can drive our need to control other people. These are the ones that require deeper reflection, ‘I’m not safe, the world is against me, people are untrustworthy, life is not on my side, I’m helpless, good things don’t happen for me, nothing works out in my favour, the world is cruel and hostile” these are just some beliefs that can drive our behaviour to control other’s.
If I’m truly honest, one of my deepest beliefs regarding my sister was this ‘If she gets ill (or dies), then I will get completely overwhelmed by grief and depression, lose my freedom and I won’t have time or energy to pursue my dreams” It’s quite long, but the essence is fear.
By clearing the beliefs, and emotions of fear, shame, guilt and frustration, the shackles were released. Forty years of struggle ended. I was wiser. I had emotional balance and head space. I could move on.
The love for my sister remains, my compassion, understanding and support remains, but not at my personal cost and demise. I remain calmly un-attached to her choices.
One of the reasons why I specialized for years in helping women with weight loss and the Virtual Gastric Band, was down to my powerlessness to help my sister. Every success story still fills me with joy.
Transforming Beliefs and Releasing Emotional Trauma
Lifelong disempowering beliefs and emotions do not have to be a life-long problematic issue. They can be released and transformed into positive beliefs, and emotions. Ultimately leading to freedom, peace, emotional balance and more energy. Harnessing our energy is fundamental when it comes to self-care, self-love and navigating our way through life.
To find out about MAP (Make Anything Possible) and how it can help you release negative and disempowering emotions and beliefs please book a 20-minute Discovery Call.