As I sat at my laptop on a rainy, blustery Saturday afternoon, I heard Elton John’s song ringing in my head ‘I’m Still Standing – Better Than I’ve Ever Been…. Looking like a true survivor……’ When a song randomly appears in my head, it is always a sign from Spirit to write.
THE FEMININE STAIN OF SHAME
I’m still standing, now with my head held high, but this certainly wasn’t always the case. My experience of sexual, physical and emotional abuse caused a deep sense of shame, it goes with the territory. It was like being infected with a deadly virus, a virus I call ‘the feminine stain of shame’ because it stayed with me for years and years, simmering away in my unconscious. It’s like in those moments when the abuse took place, that person’s darkness became mine, that toxic energy cast a blanket over my soul, and my feminine essence, blocking out any possibility of light. I had no concept of authentic power, because the world I inhabited, since the age of 2, was comprised of parasitic factors that had no place in the purity of the Divine Feminine.
It was a curse, that eventually, many years later became a blessing.
SEEKER OF TRUTH
It was the awareness of this darkness, and my desire to be free from it, that ultimately became the motivating factor that compelled me to seek the truth of who I am, not just as a survivor, but as a powerful woman. You could say this darkness was my gift, but it took many years before I could accept it as such. It wasn’t just emotional trauma, PTSD, anxiety, depression and fear that held me captive, it was being completely dissociated from my innate feminine nature, of not knowing that I was a part of the Divine Feminine, a Goddess in my own right, as we all are. The truth was hidden behind a veil of patriarchal control, dominance, violence and aggression. I now know it was my destiny to experience the full force of it, in various and complex ways, and then to set out on the long and arduous path of healing. For the ‘wounded healer’ it is a rite of passage.
Being dealt such challenging cards in life, the odds were already stacked against me, I fell many times before I stood up straight and strong. Beginning life in such a deficit, it’s hard to believe that I have peace now, but one of my most vital, important and significant realizations was this: Nothing can break me, because I am a heart-centred woman that knows her inherent true power. Many times, I felt defeated, lost, exhausted and weary to my bones, but I was not broken to the point of no return. Hundreds of years of imprinted patriarchal control and dominance didn’t break my spirit. A violent, hostile, and angry father didn’t do it. Rapes and sexual abuse didn’t do it. Shame, humiliation, cruelty, and endless illnesses didn’t do it. Abusive partners didn’t do it. Betrayal, abandonment and bullying didn’t do it. Terror and fear didn’t do it.
I’m still standing.
UNCONSCIOUS COLLECTIVE FEAR
As a feminine collective, we have been too frightened to stand against something that could kills us, or at least take away what freedom we have. I’ve always felt fear, mainly of ‘certain types’ of men and the consequences of having a voice, I have a paralysing and irrational fear of being attacked, judged and persecuted for speaking about my experiences, a witch hunt all over again. Five thousand years of persecution and torture left its imprint on my soul, and terror forced me into silence. But still I have come to realize that I am here to tell my story, sometimes saying things that might cause offence, but I don’t care. I am here to make space for women to share their story, to say it like it is. I’m here to start a revolution of heart awakening so powerful and so beautiful, that the high frequency of light would dismantle, disintegrate and disarm everything that the old system upholds. I know I’m guided by the Goddesses, sisters, spiritual warriors and wise Queens that came before me, and I also know, it is time.
WHAT I’VE COME TO KNOW
This is the voice of my heart, and it wants to tell you this…
Sister, your body has never been your own, because you were born into a patriarchal world, where you learned to dissociate from your authentic feminine essence, just to survive, just to stay safe. You had to minimize your traumatic experiences to fit in, repressing emotions, particularly grief, fear and anger. You lived in a world that prizes youthful femininity above all else. This is corrosive to your feminine psyche on many levels, but you may have been oblivious and found ways to dissociate. You have been told to stop all signs of aging, no matter the cost, as maturity and wisdom is innately wrong, and consequently you extend immense energy trying to reverse your biological timeline. You have compared yourself to idealized standards of beauty that are paraded in front of you at every conceivable opportunity, colluding with it and believing that it’s real, when in fact it is a construct created by a false and archaic paradigm that has no intention of supporting your authentic feminine power. This spiritual crippling deprives the world of your innate feminine gifts and wisdom gleaned over many years of adversity, gifts that will heal and bring light into the darkest places. Deep in the depths of your subconscious mind you carry the fear of being killed, abused or raped. You’ve had the full weight of the patriarchal system overtly try to control, coerce and manipulate you. Patriarchal subjugation has infiltrated your existence on every conceivable level, but you are now so accustomed to the dense energetic structure of patriarchal programming, you acquiesce and expertly condense yourself into an acceptable form, to avoid standing out, having too much attention and shining.
IMPRINTING PERSECUTION
Sister, you have arrived in this life at an immense disadvantage, with soul trauma from the Middle Ages. This is resulting from hundreds of years of outright persecution where women were subjected to witch hunts, mass executions, murder, torture and burnt at the stake. Their crime? They were herbalists, mid-wives, healers, mystics, seers, psychics, astrologers, numerologists, and medicine women. They were branded as evil spell casters, demonised as harmful witches, heathens, and workers of black magic. They were blamed for crop failures. This was the premise for murdering us and in doing so, casting a dark shadow over our inherent feminine power and connection to the Divine. The Church tried for hundreds of years to dishonour and humiliate us all, because of fear of our innate power. But nothing can dim the light of love, nothing can destroy the spirit of the Sacred Feminine.
Sister, you are here to speak, to shine, to lead as we transition into the New Golden Age.
Sister, stand strong.
LOOKING LIKE A TRUE SURVIVOR
Surviving this, you have earned your place as a sacred feminine initiate. This is why you have returned to this world now; you are more powerful, stronger, and resilient than you will ever know. You are here to change the course of history and usher in the new Golden Age. Past lies that caused your surrender and demise, are not and never will be, more powerful than who you are at the core of your feminine being. You have incarnated on this planet at this precise moment in time for a momentous reason, your presence is sacred. You will stand strong regardless of your trauma and suffering. Your soul has a mission.
EGOIC LIES
Your ego will try to disarm you, telling you lies because it doesn’t understand the boundless components of love, and the essence of your true and sacred nature. It will say ‘you are not qualified. You are not worthy. You can’t make money and have what you want. You’re not ready yet. You’re too tired. You’re too old, too young, too whatever…. It’s too dangerous. People won’t like it. People won’t like you. Stay silent. Stay safe. Let someone else do it. No-one will listen anyway.’
CELLULAR IMPRINTS
Cell memories of persecution, rape, torture, humiliation, banishment, false accusation, injustice after injustice, are stirred up, from deep in the unconscious, when you start changing, healing and claiming your sovereignty. These memories keep you hidden, afraid to bring your power and light into the open. Sister, you are on the threshold of new experiences, ancient energetic wisdom is held in your heart, and freedom will be yours. The will of your heart is to open and actualize to its full potential.
Sister, stand strong.
‘And she will keep coming back to life, over and over again, because beneath the skin of this gentle human lives a warrior unstoppable.’ Annabelle M. Ramos
VIOLENCE, HUMILIATION AND MY HEARTBREAK
I was a shy child. Growing up with extreme toxic male violence, and called names ‘stupid cow, silly bitch’ and ‘do as you’re told, or else’, shut down any voice I had. It just wasn’t safe to answer him back and take up space, there was no ‘sass’ aloud in our house. I became a victim, and at school it was easy to bully me, in fact it never occurred to me to retaliate. My fear engulfed me. I lost my virginity at 13, to rape. He was the boyfriend of my sister’s friend, a predatory 23-year-old who flattered me with his attention. I still remember the black and white kitchen tiles, and the puddle of blood that he hurriedly moped up, because I woke up his mum with my cries, it was 10.30pm. He told her some story. It was getting late, and my dad was going to be furious, he was strict about time. I ran home as fast as my legs would carry me, stopping before going inside, the light was on. My heart was pounding with fear, and a host of other emotions, that were impossible to identify back then. I knew what was coming. His large hand hit me hard on the face as I walked through the door, I had no time to react or explain. Then an onslaught of punching, hitting and cursing through clenched teeth. I knew it was better to say nothing, eventually he would calm down and grow tired of repeating himself. My mum watched and did nothing, and it took me years to forgive her for this. I wasn’t sure what was more heart-breaking, her abandonment and betrayal or his violence.
This initiation into my teens, was the start of my migraines, alcohol addiction, illnesses, depression, anxiety and dysfunctionality, spanning over 40 years. I had no way of knowing that sexual abuse had already occurred when I was 2 years old, but beliefs of ‘I’m damaged’ and ‘there’s something very wrong with me’, were already established as a predisposition for my life. This horrific, fateful night was the beginning of a long road self-destruction.
NATURE’S AGREEMENT
Natures agreement is that parents love and protect their children. The dishonouring of this agreement led to my heart gradually closing, and in that created predispositions and beliefs that life is not safe, men are untrustworthy and dangerous and I’m unworthy. It took until I was 60 years old for my heart to open and allow a man into my life. His name is Joe.
SHUT UP, OR ELSE!
My dad’s favourite phrase was ‘shut up, or else!’ I still feel anger when I think about ‘what else’ a young teenage girl could do, that would warrant such hostility, violence and humiliation from a man whose role was to love and protect her. Endless statements of ‘or else’ from him, was for me a representational message of the collective patriarchy of ‘know your place, or else’, that created a threatening undercurrent of aggression and violence, that was always there. Consequently, I was fearful of the implications and consequences of stepping out of line and being visible. My inner child was far too terrified to come out of exile, I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than write about my past experiences. But I can’t hide away forever, and although I still feel fear it doesn’t have the final word, my soul does.
‘Or else’ didn’t do it either.
I’m still standing.
What’s the worst that can happen anyway? It can’t be any worse than the past, and now I have wisdom on my side, years of healing and a spiritual practice. I have a connection to the Divine. I now know how to listen to the voice of truth, rather than the voice of my ego.
THE WILL OF YOUR HEART
Regardless of any abuse, abandonment, neglect, cruelty, repression, judgement and oppression, the will of your heart is to open. The innate nature of a rose is to bloom fully, actualizing to its full expression and potential. This potential, as in all of nature, exists within your heart too. There is nothing in the material world, that can diminish and destroy the power of your heart. Yes, it can close. Yes, you can forget how powerful you are. Yes, life can throw so much at you that it feels as if you are broken, defeated, and depleted of energy. But within you is an unstoppable force of innate power and strength, waiting to be unleashed, a collective Divine feminine energy that has withstood persecution for thousands of years. You are a Goddess of the ages, with the spirit of sacred witches, healers, seers and mothers that are supporting you in anchoring light into the world. The witch hunts are over, it is time to lead, inspire, teach, support, help and heal.
Sister, stand strong.
HEALING YOUR HEART
Regardless of eons of persecution, injustice and trauma, the will of your heart is to open, to love, to truth and to a deepening, boundless self-love. You are not here to surrender, to recoil, and collude with a system that tries to diminish you. It teaches you to be fearful, and ‘do as your told, or else’. To this you might reply, ‘I don’t care.’
Sometimes it takes getting angry, and to stop trying to be so nice, accommodating, and obliging. Saying ‘no’ is paramount, staying grounded in your own energy and putting your needs above everyone else, is essential. Conserve your energy and give, when you have all that you need for yourself.
RED, RED, WINE….
Over-giving used to be a trait of mine. I know it well, and I know the consequences of it too. In 2017 I hit a wall, that left me feeling like an emotional wasteland. I was numb, I was drinking Malbec at noon, just to feel alive. I was in a very dysfunctional relationship, trying to convince myself that this selfish and shaming man wasn’t so bad, seeing clients (it’s hard to be supportive and give when there’s nothing in reserve), holding down a part-time job, and dealing with a mum who had dementia. I fell into a black hole. It took 6 months to climb out, but I vowed never to fall again. I learned to put myself first. I learned that it was perfectly okay not to be liked. I learned that I could recover from anything, if I choose me, and remember that innate within my heart, resides the infinite, boundless, power of the Divine Feminine.
A PRISTINE DIAMOND IN YOUR HEART
There is nothing that you have endured that cannot be healed. Your mind will try to convince you otherwise, but it has no concept of who you truly are and have always been. Your heart knows, and the mind thinks it knows. Drop down into your heart now. There is an unbreakable, unfathomable, infinitely powerful part of you that belongs to you as the Goddess and Divine expression of the Feminine that you are. This cannot be tainted by the external material world. This belongs exclusively to women, so much so, that patriarchal aggression, control and oppression ultimately didn’t succeed. Our power was snubbed, suppressed, and shamed, but never extinguished. We’re still standing, and we will stand strong again, without the threat of death this time.
The Heart Awakening Revolution Therapy (HART) was created to heal emotional trauma, and core wounding. As we evolve into a new paradigm, feminine alchemy will transform the darkest of patriarchal wounds into heart-centred consciousness. Fear, shame and guilt into love and self-worth.
As those damaged parts of yourself are healed, the Diamond in your heart will reveal itself to you. This I know to be true.
Sister, stand strong. It is time.